We've gone the past year trying to decide if we were done or not having kids. We finally decided at the very end of the year that we would be open to having another.
We got pregnant very fast, and were excited and nervous that another little one would be joining us in September.
The big public announcement would be last week after an ultrasound with a maternal fetal specialist.
The announcement was going to be like this:
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| ice ice baby |
During the ultrasound the doctor found that the baby had no heartbeat, and that there was a problem with the umbilical cord. She said it was a little boy, and that he had passed away most likely just a day or two before then from a compromised blood supply. I was a day shy of 15 weeks.
"I do have some bad news…" the doctor started.
I was numb, and in shock for the rest of it. I had her repeat it all for Blair on video, because I couldn't remember all of the technical terms, and the explanation and proof that our baby had died.
Even though the doctor showed me where the problem is, this whole week I just feel an extreme guilt and flood of irrational thoughts. What if, what if what if.
What if any hesitation or doubt I had caused my body to miscarry. What if I ate something that caused Listeria and made me miscarry, and I would never know. I even got a notice from Costco saying that something I bought in February was recalled for possible Listeria.
Of course, logically I know that the Dr showed me where a problem was with the umbilical cord, and that all of these thoughts are nonsense.
I feel anger. My body has betrayed me.
I feel sadness. I'm supposed to have a newborn in September. When I see other newborns, I cry. It's not fair. I'm in mourning.
I'm not just mourning my precious baby that we lost, but for possibly the last chance for childbearing. Suddenly yanked from me overnight. Pregnant one day, and then gone. I felt the baby at 8 weeks, which I thought was amazingly early and miraculous. I saw a heartbeat at 10 weeks. There's no more miracle inside me. I may never nurse again, and hold my own newborn close. My older kids won't get to hold our baby and share the joy of the little one with us in a way we haven't experienced with older kids, and were so excited about.
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| 10 week ultrasound where everything seemed good |
I'm scared to try again. I'm terrified of the possibility that we would have to go through this again. I'm scared for the increased risk of being over 35. I felt like I was already pushing it being pregnant while turning 36. It wouldn't even be possible for me to have another one until 37 at the least. I felt like time was running out, and the last granules of sand were already dropping in the hourglass. The gap was 5 years to Claire, almost too much in my opinion already. This is the year that she will start kindergarten.
I felt sick for most of the first trimester. I had just started feeling good a few weeks before. I gained (my regular for me) 5 lbs a month while pregnant, which I've done with all of my kids. I was tired, and achy, and chose my loosest clothes and sometimes didn't button the top button on my pants. Heartburn was a daily occurrence. I had to get up and use the bathroom extra times in the night. I had a D & E last Monday. It was a long day. 8am checkin and didn't leave the hospital until 6pm. Now most of those signs are gone. The weight gain being the only thing left to remind me of my loss. Everything was for naught.
She told me it was a little boy. Andrew Mark Curtis would be our little boy's name. The hospital sends the ashes to a cemetery in Wasilla, Alaska. I think they have a group service a couple times a year. Wasilla, AK will always be special to us.
Now for the making sense of it all. I've had a miscarriage before. It was before Claire, and I was earlier along. This is a different situation as this was planned as our last.
I can see how this can be faith building, and also how it can turn people bitter. I feel more empathy and understanding to others who have suffered through similar things. What was the reason of God to give us an opportunity of a baby, and then to take it away when he did? Could it be a test, lesson, warning? Of course I hope that this counted for our little baby to be part of our family and to be waiting for us on the other side. All we can do is turn our trust to God, that everything will be fine. I hope we will have peace, and feel comfort in our situation soon. I do feel the loving support from friends and family. Thanks to those of you who knew and sent flowers, gifts, cards, and words of encouragement. I really don't know what I'd do without the amazing support of Blair either. I feel blessed and surrounded by love, and I know that we'll be able to get through this.
